The Great Deception

When I was younger, I was an extreme pessimist and a complainer. I always assumed the worst. Perhaps this was a product of me not always getting what I wanted, and while growing up around children that always seemed to have so much more than me. By the time I got to college, I realized that I grew up lacking in superficial areas, but so rich in those areas that are more important to ones development. My childhood was not full of pain and despair. Just random moments of disappointment that would hurt any selfish child. I quickly learned that many things I can not change, but I can change my perception of these unmovable things like people, the past, and so on and so forth. I finally understand the full extent of the power of expectations.

Expectations can truly make or break a moment or an experience or even a person, and I must say that I expected more out of this excursion. When I refer to my expectations, I only mean those thoughts regarding the program, not the culture. One semester has passed and now I am lounging around assessing how the first semester went. Will is here now, and we have been doing some chillin here and there. The question of this blog is, how is the program thus far, and I am about to have a Ben moment were I am brutally honest and exposed to the entire world, or at least the five people who read my blog.

May it first be noted that this program is brand new, and was thrown together lightening fast, and so that fact alone creates natural problems with the tuning and tweaking of such a program, but I feel that somethings are inexcusable. I expected to be a teacher in some sense, but all I have become is an event coordinator. Let me break it down for you. You must first understand that there is or was a problem with defining who we are, staff or student assistants. As student assistants we are slaves, as staff we have rights. There was other discrepancies with whether we were full time or part time even though in Fulbright's eyes we are part time. I probably work the least out of all the ETA's because I purposefully tried to keep my plate empty, you all know how I need my free time to ponder, write and such, without it I will go postal.

My Weekly Schedule: I teach two tutorial sessions of English (3 Hours), and I assist one primary class and teach with a colleague in another primary class (2 Hours). I do Help Desk, which is 30 minute sessions assisting the students with any language training, which usually is just have a chat with them (4 Hours). I was involved in a Human Development Module (sit through a 2 hour lecture, spend maybe 1 hour a week assisting students in the class), where my precious time was wasted, not on purpose though. This is a new thing so no one knows what to do with us. Now, that means I spend 8 hours a week doing something that is close to teaching. I didn't include the Primary school because I don't teach there, nor do I want to. In the Drama class, where I assist a teacher, I do little which is fine. I enjoy just being there watching and talking sometimes. My other class, I have lost all hope and now just pop in a Disney movie whenever I can. In fact, most ETAs do not want to be involve in the primary school next semester, however the school advertised to all the parents that we will be there the whole year, even though we (ETAs) were told that the first semester was just a trail run. Since, the primary school will be a little embarrassed if we all suddenly dropped out, I think we are going to be pleaded with to play a much smaller role. Ben speaking: "you tellin me, that just because you organized a disaster and because you want to save face after jumping the gun, that I have to be involve in a level of teaching that my temperment is not made for, with bad children that never listen to me, nor am I trained in the art of running a primary school class, just so you won't look like a dumbass."

Now, where does the rest of my time go? Well, we have to do RA type programming in the halls, which can take up a little or alot of time. Then there is Club IEd, which takes up the bulk of my time, but I do the least amount of work among the five of us that are in charge of the Club IEd center. I spend 4 hours a week sitting in Club IEd being bored doing nothing. I spend Lord knows how much time discussing the type of activities we should have in the center, which always frustrates me, because I came here to something academic. I didn't come here to play games with students or plan parties for faculty, or sing and dance for anybody on this campus. But this is how the first semester has gone. I will not bore you with actual stories of our events, but in short we are expected to be activity coordinators, performers, and baby sitters more than were are expected to be teachers. I've have gotten off much easier than many of my colleagues.

Expectations can make or break an experience. Currently, I am unfulfilled and unsatisfied. Of course, there is light in this grim picture I have painted, and you have seen that light in past blogs. Something can't be negative without something positive existing as well, other wise everything is just indifferent, right. Also, some experiences, if not most, are what you make them. In these two weeks I have off of work, I will carefully think about ways I can make this experience more fulfilling, because the powers that be are not going to do it for me, nor do I think I could articulate to them what exactly I need at this juncture.

We went China this past week, and observed a secondary and primary school as well saw several universities around the Guangzhou area. The picture above is of students studying at the university where we were housed. Three are from Zambia. The trip was okay, I enjoyed the schools and the students. The primary school students were very excited about seeing an Black at their school, which was a major contrast from other experiences I have had here. It is funny how regardless whether we are all presented as teachers from America, the students will always choose the ETAs that they feel is most resembling of America. For example, if the students were asked to mingle with us and ask us questions about English or America, they would typically start with my White colleagues (there are eight of them), and then with my Brown Colleagues (there are three of us), and then my Asian Colleagues ( there are five of them). All this time I thought I was American, I am just an immigrant, go figure. I will let you ponder that for awhile. The most uncomfortable part of the trip was when we would get together with teachers and discuss class room/education issues, which none of us are qualified to do. At one school, one teacher asked us tons of questions concerning her primary school class. While some gave good answers, I sat there, thinking we shouldn't be giving advice on teaching. Hell, we aren't even teachers in our program for real. Now, if she asked about planning a yoga night or a Christmas party, or a game night, then we have more than enough experience to do that.

Never mind my rant, let us end my first experience in China on a good note, beautiful pictures and a video.

These three pictures below are from me and my colleagues teaching a secondary school class about Global Warming. We really didn't teach them anything, because they already knew everything, but whatever.

The picture below is a very funny story. One of the student's mothers actually works in Birmingham, AL at UAB. So, the student has actually visited Birmingham, and was somewhat familiar with my college (BSC), and my Highschool (JCCHS). It was all very strange. But here is the most hilarious part. Near the end of our visit, the students put on a talent show for us, where they acted out scenes from plays, did a little singing, one student actually recited the Gettysburg address (he forgot half of it, which undoubtedly single handedly damaged Chinese-US relations for several decades to come, I don't forget much). Several of my colleagues performed as well. My B'ham-China connection friend came up with some of his friends to perform a reenactment of Finding Nemo, which means a part of the film was played, but muted; and he and his friends provided the voices for the characters. We saw several such performances it is hilarious. Anyway, look below and see what T-shirt he is wearing.

I almost died laughing, for one moment I was that annoying parent in the front row who can't keep quite whenever their baby gets on stage.

The next group of pictures and the Video are from the Primary School we visited.

We sat in on this class about saving and not wasting.

Students waving at me. I actually have several pictures like this.

Here is me, my colleague (Sarah Kim), two teachers and the daughter of another teacher not pictured.

We did a little sight seeing. We went to a gorgeous temple, a museum, and shopping.

The bottom picture is from a cruise/dinner sponsored by the secondary school.

I know that the majority of this blog may sound much more on the negative side, but I am honestly only thinking positively about next semester. I will find my niche on this campus, I will find what my heart burns for, or cry trying. Forever wrapped in this endless search for something of substance, something that gets me angry, something pulls at my emotions, and leaves me knowing that there is no other path, but one. I hope you've found that thing that you most care about, and if not I hope you are not giving up the search. Until I blog again. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!